Book Report: The Orchid and the Dandelion

I have a lot of thoughts about this book:

So many in-fact that I left the kids with Paul for two nights to wrap my brain around the concepts. Val is in Tenerife for two months, so I'm back to the tranquility of her kid-free apartment. I think she made a real interior decorating mistake when she opted to de-Ikea-fy but you be the judge.

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Anywho, I stumbled upon this book - depending on your world view - from an answer to prayer or an Amazon that knows me better than I know myself. The basic premise of this book is that 80% of children are dandelions. These are the kids that can survive pretty much anywhere. The other roughly 20% are orchids. Orchids need exactly the right temperature, humidity, nutrients, etc to thrive. When orchids are planted in the "right soil" they are even more successful and healthy than their dandelion counterparts. However, an orchid under the "wrong conditions" wilts. 

The book outlined research findings of different animal studies in captivity - rats and monkeys - as well as controlled laboratory studies with feral animals - pre-schoolers and kindergarteners. I do think that animal studies give a level of credibility in weeding out bias. However, the studies did make the book longer than potentially necessary. He also weaves in some antidotal stories of working as a bush doctor. While interesting, those vignettes could also be skimmed.

I thought this book would mostly be about emotional health, but the bulk of the research used respiratory illnesses as a metric for health. The researchers look at kids' cortisol levels, ie the stress hormone, along with children's external stressors and frequency of respiratory illnesses to draw up conclusions.

This is the point where my beloved blog readers are like, "hey haven't you all been sick with various forms of illnesses since International Women's Day 2022?" Yes. So yes, my orchid is wilting. Also, said orchid lives in close proximity to two dandelions so hence the high illnesses across the board. 

Yikes. So does the book say what to do to reverse course? Not really, because there aren't easy fixes. Just like my enneagram four kid, there is no changing. The goal is not to turn an orchid into a dandelion. I, as the parent, have to change the conditions. This to my dandelion-self sounds like coddling or worse - becoming the lawnmower parent.  

The gardening analogies hit home as my mother and grandmother were both florists. Most of my memories of my mom growing up were in the supermarket, the car, or the garden. She always had all sorts of gardening projects in the works. My entire garden in Portland - which she helped plant - died the summer she died. Likely it was because I was neglecting it with all the visits down to Eugene. In any case, I declared that hence forth I would never garden again.

But, guess what? I have an orchid kid who likes gardening. Specifically this kid is a goat, and no basil plant is safe. This book was telling me, "you don't get to declare what kind of parent you get to be. You will garden. You will have to do hard things to make this work". 

It's clear what I'm doing - throwing this kid into social situations that aren't working - is just withering my orchid. My next clear step is calling around Berlin to get my orchid into "Ergotherapie" which could be most closely translated to occupational therapy. As far as I can understand, this kind of therapy helps kids try new sensory experiences in comfortable social situations. And yes, it's paid for through health insurance.  

Like most of my suggested reading list, this book isn’t for most people in my orbit. Most of you are in my life because you are more compassionate and understanding than I am. You likely already accommodate for the orchids in your life. But me, I need the combination of medical research and personal backstory to move me to change.

This book is ultimately a love letter to the author's orchid sister who experienced many highs and lows before taking her own life at 53. The author essentially devoted his entire life's work to figuring out what went wrong and then wrote the book for people like me. In the wake of my likely orchid uncle's death, I've grappled with many of these same questions. This book was a hopeful reminder that my little orchid's future can be different.