Book Report: The Road Back to You

The last time I was away from my family for a couple of nights was to meet these lovely ladies in Salt Lake City in January 2019. 

But imagine Angela is in the picture and we'd just seen Jackie Chan at high tea. 

As part of our girl bonding, Amber had me take an Enneagram test. The girls predicted result matched the test's results: I was "an eight, with a seven wing." 

This challenger type jived with my perception of myself. I don't necessarily need to be in control, but I don't want to be controlled. I have problems with authority if I don't think they are competent. When I told Shandong of my dad's military aspirations for me, she laughed out-loud and said if I was in the military I would have been "court-martialed" for asking too many questions. I also like to have a good time - hence the seven wing. 

I didn't really think much of the Enneagram again until Zachary Levi mentioned learning his number as part of his mental health journey. I poked around in Richard Rohr's book until Laurel recommended the Road Back to You.

I love this book. It is approachable and entertaining. The author has major dad humor, which is the predominant type of comedy in our house these days. I only read the intro, my number, Paul's number, and the conclusion. If I had more capacity, I would read the whole book to learn how to relate to everyone. 

During the intro I was totally convinced that I had been wrongly labeled my whole life and that I in-fact am a Four - the individualist. Anyone who knows me and the Enneagram is laughing out loud right now. I don't have these big emotional ranges. One of my closest childhood friends labeled me "the most rational person he knows." As such, this momentary confusion was the final wake-up call for me. 

My mental health in the last year has taken a spectacular swan dive. The precipitous event was our first round of covid in June last year. The three months of illness leading up to that first round of Covid and then the following eleven sick months also haven't helped. But who's counting? Me. Because this is just over the top - almost 14 months of constant illness.

At first I just started feeling really run-down, with no energy for any activity that wasn't basic - getting kids to school, putting food on the table, etc. I diagnosed my lack of energy as low level burn-out. I am more of a morning person, but I started having trouble getting out of bed. More recently, I heard a sermon about mental health where the pastor was talking about activities that fill your heart. I realized I couldn't name a single thing in my life that either brought me joy or I looked towards in anticipation. I even had to give myself pep-talks to get out of house to meet-up with people whom I love. I just wanted to be alone and stay in bed.

So what happened? How did my mental health stay solid through the decline of my mom, the worst mothers' day of 2016 - first one without my mom with a scheduled d and c for a partial molar pregnancy the next day, 3 1/3 pregnancies and three postpartum periods, and the isolation of covid - only to fall apart now? Maybe it's the post finals scenario? You power through the studying and then when you're done your body allows you to get sick. I don't know. But here we are.

My original plan was just to keep doing what I am doing - reading, praying, and thinking my way out of this. But, a recent session with my therapist suggested that I get some antidepressants. So, I started about a week and a half ago. They aren't supposed to take effect for two weeks. Unfortunately the side-effects of sleep disturbance started right away. TBD if we will need to do some tweaking. I will meet with a psychiatrist in a couple weeks to see if there is a better medication for me. I feel like even getting used to medication is one more barrier in an otherwise exhausting existence. But, I need to try.

One of my best Berlin buddies, Shanni, just left for China this morning. One of my other besties, Courtney, leaves for Portland in a week taking her lovely wife and my sweet baby buddy with her. My heart and brain are feeling especially fragile at the moment. I'll be taking some tips from my self-care guru / emotional support puppy as I find my road back.

Inspired by Cruella - another hit for a sick-day movie.