Book Report: The Road Back to You

The last time I was away from my family for a couple of nights was to meet these lovely ladies in Salt Lake City in January 2019. 

But imagine Angela is in the picture and we'd just seen Jackie Chan at high tea. 

As part of our girl bonding, Amber had me take an Enneagram test. The girls predicted result matched the test's results: I was "an eight, with a seven wing." 

This challenger type jived with my perception of myself. I don't necessarily need to be in control, but I don't want to be controlled. I have problems with authority if I don't think they are competent. When I told Shandong of my dad's military aspirations for me, she laughed out-loud and said if I was in the military I would have been "court-martialed" for asking too many questions. I also like to have a good time - hence the seven wing. 

I didn't really think much of the Enneagram again until Zachary Levi mentioned learning his number as part of his mental health journey. I poked around in Richard Rohr's book until Laurel recommended the Road Back to You.

I love this book. It is approachable and entertaining. The author has major dad humor, which is the predominant type of comedy in our house these days. I only read the intro, my number, Paul's number, and the conclusion. If I had more capacity, I would read the whole book to learn how to relate to everyone. 

During the intro I was totally convinced that I had been wrongly labeled my whole life and that I in-fact am a Four - the individualist. Anyone who knows me and the Enneagram is laughing out loud right now. I don't have these big emotional ranges. One of my closest childhood friends labeled me "the most rational person he knows." As such, this momentary confusion was the final wake-up call for me. 

My mental health in the last year has taken a spectacular swan dive. The precipitous event was our first round of covid in June last year. The three months of illness leading up to that first round of Covid and then the following eleven sick months also haven't helped. But who's counting? Me. Because this is just over the top - almost 14 months of constant illness.

At first I just started feeling really run-down, with no energy for any activity that wasn't basic - getting kids to school, putting food on the table, etc. I diagnosed my lack of energy as low level burn-out. I am more of a morning person, but I started having trouble getting out of bed. More recently, I heard a sermon about mental health where the pastor was talking about activities that fill your heart. I realized I couldn't name a single thing in my life that either brought me joy or I looked towards in anticipation. I even had to give myself pep-talks to get out of house to meet-up with people whom I love. I just wanted to be alone and stay in bed.

So what happened? How did my mental health stay solid through the decline of my mom, the worst mothers' day of 2016 - first one without my mom with a scheduled d and c for a partial molar pregnancy the next day, 3 1/3 pregnancies and three postpartum periods, and the isolation of covid - only to fall apart now? Maybe it's the post finals scenario? You power through the studying and then when you're done your body allows you to get sick. I don't know. But here we are.

My original plan was just to keep doing what I am doing - reading, praying, and thinking my way out of this. But, a recent session with my therapist suggested that I get some antidepressants. So, I started about a week and a half ago. They aren't supposed to take effect for two weeks. Unfortunately the side-effects of sleep disturbance started right away. TBD if we will need to do some tweaking. I will meet with a psychiatrist in a couple weeks to see if there is a better medication for me. I feel like even getting used to medication is one more barrier in an otherwise exhausting existence. But, I need to try.

One of my best Berlin buddies, Shanni, just left for China this morning. One of my other besties, Courtney, leaves for Portland in a week taking her lovely wife and my sweet baby buddy with her. My heart and brain are feeling especially fragile at the moment. I'll be taking some tips from my self-care guru / emotional support puppy as I find my road back.

Inspired by Cruella - another hit for a sick-day movie.

Book Report: How to Kill Your Family

Ok, ok, before everyone starts worrying about how I came across this book you should know that it was recommended to me by my Uncle Karl. 

The book is just as cheeky as the title. If I wasn't recovering from some kind of fever bug, I would be walking around Berlin listening to this book. As someone who doesn't usually read mysteries, much less murder mysteries, I understand why they make you want to keep reading.

In theory, right now I have the time to finish this book. Paul is with the kids and his parents in Regensburg, Bavaria. I was to join him, but chose to not take my illness on the road. And thus, for the first time in literally 10 years - since Paul went on a business trip while I was pregnant - I am spending three nights alone. Truth be told, it is totally unnerving. I have no idea how single people survived the months and years of corona isolation. As such, no one has anything to worry about around here. My current inner monologue might have a British accent. However, I won't be taking any notes on this book; I'll just enjoy the dark humor until these people return back to me.

They look miserable without their mother. ;)

Book Report: Radical Love

Confession: I dabble in celebrity gossip. It's a horrible waste of time; I don't know why it's so fascinating to me. That being said, this book, is not celebrity gossip.

My interest in Zachary Levi stemmed from the five story high billboard across the street from our house promoting Shazam 2. As my devoted blog readers know, we are on a superhero movie kick. We've made it through 30 of the 40 or so Marvel movies between October and March. For those calculating at home, that number of movies equates to about 30 sick days in six months for Hugo. A Kita mom gave me a hot tip to try salt inhalation rooms to help getting over coughs. Crosby wasn't such a fan of sitting in a dark room with "baby toys" for 45 minutes but Hugo...

Tongue out salt angel.

Hugo's lowlight shared at dinner, "I wish Carmen could have gone to the salt room with us." She managed to dodge this round of colds. It appears that Hugo has seasonal allergies, so he'll likely spend some more time in these salt rooms this season. Thus a new hobby is born: salt room hoping around Berlin.

Back to the book, somehow Zachary Levi's book ended up in my "this might interest you" menu on Amazon. I am a sucker for recovery stories, the reviews were good, and it was available on the PDX Library App. Initially, some of the family context reminded me of one of my other favorite memoirs by Laurel Mathewson. Sadly Laurel's book is not available in print...not yet. The insight into his inner thoughts and lessons from therapy felt Donald Miller-esc.  His spiritual truths mixed with F-bombs reminded me of the writings of Anne Lemont. 

My biggest take-away from the book is that one of the most important things I can do as a parent is take care of my mental health. Sometimes I feel "less than" other moms because I can't sanely have a career and parent. Heck, I can't even throw a culturally accepted proper child's birthday party and mother without loosing my mind. 

Some parents are born and/or raised with parental instincts. I was blessed to be on the receiving side of their mothering during this trip to the US. While my survival/self-sufficiency skills are on point, developing the skills to nurture my kids to help them develop healthy emotional ranges requires a lot of work. That work, in my opinion, coupled with teaching my kids about faith is the most important part of my parental job description. In summary, I am in a job for which I am not naturally gifted or groomed. I have to put in more research, more time, and more tears than the average Jo. But, Levi's story of a broken person trying to put his life back together is the reminder of why I need to keep striving and prioritizing getting my head and heart healthy. 

As an aside, the other interesting part of this book was insight into one person's negative self talk. I'd heard the term self-talk but never really been able to hear someone's inner thoughts so clearly. As a person in the world, it is a good reminder of the John Watson quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." As a mom, it's especially heartbreaking. It makes you want to scoop up any little people you can to remind them they are loved. Thankfully, I have a couple willing snuggle participants at the ready.

Crosby, "Mom, why don't you have some chill time at home while Daddy takes us to ice cream." You know the ice cream benefactor based on the number of scoops.